what i need

is to be left alone...let me figure things out without being pressured and "disciplined" to change. i was finally figuring things out. i don't need my parents in the way of this one.





what i need to change in my life is...

i need to be happy.
that's the first thing that came into my mind.

up late. eating PEZ

i'm so angry.
i'm so stressed.
i'm so worn out.

i don't even have words to use to vent my anger right now. i don't understand why i have it. or how to get rid of it or how it even came about.
i'm not getting any sleep.
i'm tired of not getting any sleep.
i'm tired of not being a happy person during these days.

i don't want to care anymore. i don't want to see the sadness in other people i love anymore. i don't want to feel these things anymore. i want to do things to anger them. i want to fight silently against them and make them not trust me and make them give up on me. i don't want to be the only angry one here. i want to keep feeding the addictions i have that they hate.
i know the answer to my problems. but i don't want it. i don't want to have that relationship right now. cuz i'm don't want to keep disappointing Him anymore. even though that not having this relationship will just sadden Him too. i don't know what to fucking do. i know so much that i don't want to know. i want to be a dumb person in this world who can't understand those pains around me. who can't be such a caring person. i don't want to have a heart anymore. i want to just let these things go. i can't even put my anger into words anymore. i can't let the people around me that love me and trust me down. i can't leave them. i can't cause them that pain because i've been left too.
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
i hate being this self centered. i hate living this life i do. i hate this. i HATE it. i've never felt this kind of hate before. but now i understand it. i understand both hate and love. i do believe that they exist.
WHY.

why do i have to live this retarded life?
why do i feel the way i do.
why am i angry about stupid shit.
why am i the person i am.
why do i have to keep asking these questions that i never get answers to.
why.......
fuckkkkkk......



fjda;ljfg;leiajf;lkja';kfoiweqojl;kvndas;jljc;lak.....
so angry.
it's 2:00 am. i have to wake up in 3 hours and 40 mins.
but i can't seem to sleep.
i couldn't last night.
and i can't tonight.
i couldnt the night before.
and once again. i'm just sitting here.

my head hurts.
my shoulders hurt.
my back hurts.
my body aches.
and my heart hurts.

i need to let this anger go.

i need to find out why i am so angry, why i want them to not trust me anymore, why would i want to break the trust that i have sorta regained again?

i need some serious help.

woo...

life is insane right now.
i'm just going about my days lately. nothing crazy. no drama. but it's pretty busy!!! hours and hours at my school. homework. eat. talk. deal with parents. and sometimes i breath. it really depends on the day though.
sleep is last on my priority list.
ha.
that sucks though, i get like five to seven hours of sleep a night. even on weekends. woo...life is tiring.
but it's crazy cuz i love what i do.
i love helping out people and making sure that they are healing and feeling better. i love being an athletic trainer!
it keeps me away from home and out of trouble. i really like it most of the time.
sometimes i get annoyed and just want to come home and sleep and chill out for a day. but life is good.

lately i've been getting really frustrated and annoyed and just straight up pissed off to the max. but actually i've had a few pretty good reasons, which is good cuz then i'm not just a total crazy person....not totally at least.

life is going by way to fast, and it sucks. it's not time for it to go this fast yet. only a couple of short years and i'm out of the house...i remember being little and getting introuble for smacking my brothers and biting them. haha...oops.

i'm gunna be in college in a few years...ahhh. scary growing up!!!
the things that suck about growing up is that people take a long time to realize that I AM growing up. i'm not ten anymore! woo....crazy right?! i actually understand more than most people think i do. i know for a fact that i don't know as much as older people do but i do know a lot more than they think i do bout life. justttt...i don't always apply it to my life. haha. which, i admit, is a dumb ass thing to do sometimes, but it keeps my life interesting...and my parents.
without me!!! my parents would be sooo bored!

ahaha.
silly.
but i feel so old now! the little kids at my church are gettin all old. and i remember being their ages and wanting to be a teenager sooo bad! cuz then my life would just be soooo much easier....HA!
silly me.

things get crazy

I'm not sure why i'm here again.
why do i turn to this for help? maybe i feel like it clears my mind of all the words i write but sometimes it just creates more.
life is different now.
i don't know where to start or where to end.
i don't know how to help someone out whom i love so dearly because i can't even help myself out this time. things in life never seem right in place even when i have things i need. i'm a broken person surrounded by other broken people.
and my life will never be content.
so what do we do in this position?
do we just sit back and watch as others live their lives till they seem happy?
or do we try to be like them?
do we fake it till we are?
or does it just continue to be a fake smile?
my smile is only real around those whom i love the most. the ones that i care about so much i cant seem to have a good day when things suck for them.
sometimes i hate that i care so damn much. why do i care?
i'm tired of the person i am.
i rely on things i can't have and the ones i do have i seem to push away.
i need something instead of addictions.
i already know the answer to this one.
but that takes time.
time that i don't want to take almost.
i want to heal those who are in pain all the time.
the ones that i care about most seem to have the most problems. i want soooo badly to cure them of their pain but life just hasn't granted me that power.
the only things i can do is pray i guess.
i wish i could hold out on my promises.
i can't promise that ill never feed my addictions anymore because that would be lying. but i can't say..o hey. i'm going to go do__________. cuz then ill never be allowed out of the house....
d;kajfaehbvbgahdlaj....
let me out of here.


peace out.