this is what i do when i stay up late...
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
11:32pm
A lot of the times I stay up late, like now, and I think way too much for my own good. Sleepless nights are common for me, but so are not going to school days. Being a fan of school has never been on my “To Do” list. Learning about chemical bonds and Spanish infinitives don’t catch my eye like a good day of sleep and eating. Dancing around in the kitchen and laughing my head off at silly childish cartoons is all in a good day’s work for me. I stay awake late at night pondering the different things I could be doing with my life. The things that I could have done differently haunt me; and picking the outfit I should wear tomorrow to school flashes through my mind during it all. My endless thoughts never don’t come in abundance. Everyday seems the same; each day the same thoughts roll through my brain and I think of them in the same manner each time.
As the time ticks and the hour strikes midnight I realize I still have another day of my tiring life ahead of me and I get to do this all over again. I become “enthused” and just keep laying here staring off into a white ceiling and a dusty fan. I listen to the “soundtrack of my life” just as if I was the star of a movie and act as though each song talks about my experiences and me. Importance is thrown upon me and suddenly I feel like I have a meaning in a world of no real meaning. All I actually long for during my thinking is to experience an epiphany. The Beatles come singing through my computer and I feel as though they sing my thoughts out to me and my life becomes more complicated as I have to interpret it like a poem that has meaning that you have to decide.
Maybe thinking should become an occupation; “GET PAID BY THE THOUGHT!”…an ideal job for me. I’d swim in my money and become a selfish wannabe with no life and nothing to do with all my money but sleep on it. But I wouldn’t actually sleep on it because I can’t sleep. I would lay on my money thinking about how I can make more money just by thinking. Now that I think about this “ideal job for me” I’m not really a fan of it.
I’ll continue this mess of nothing later.
I have school..
A life.
And
Nothing good to do with it all.
Tomorrow.
-Kenzy
posted by Kenzy @ 11:42:00 PM
3 Comments:
Yeah, at one time I thought I could get paid for thinking of hard (or cool) things then telling other people about what I thought. Instead I get paid for pulling down rat crap infested, bath water soaked, moldy sheetrock from bathroom ceilings and cleaning and caulking dirty bathtubs...its money, but not enough to sleep on, just enough to make me tired enough to go to sleep. Epiphanies don't usually come in a flash of light about your future, they usually come looking back on what you screwed up.... sigh. And mostly meaning comes from what you work at creating of your life. Everyone has meaning because we exist, most people choose to deny their meaning and live as if little or nothing means anything. A meaningless life is easy to live, but it bothers your soul so people try to kill the pain with stuff. Living up to your meaning by living according to love and not selfishness is work because everything around us says be meaningless, screw everything and kick back, its not worth the effort. Which makes me think of another hard thought: everyone who had an epiphany in the Bible that I can think of, had it while doing something they thought was significant (even if it was the wrong thing, like St. Paul on his way to kill Christians). No one had one sitting around playing video games. Life is about "doing" meaning, even when you are doing meaningless stuff like cleaning up rat crap.
very much agreed and comprehend able.
<3
:]]]
-kenzy
Kenzy,
I have read and re-read your post since it was written, praying about it all because what you have said seems so important to me in my heart. I think it is the part where you wrote "All I actually long for...is to experience an epiphany."
There is a lady I meet with once a week who is struggling with her life. The details do not matter but what does matter is what she and I talked about today...looking in the mirror and seeing reflected back a woman who is "a child of God" and one that is beautiful in that context no matter the outward appearance (bustage size, thigh size or nose length - if you get my drift). She works to achieve perfection in tasks or whatever, fails, and then her self-talk reinforces her (mis)fact that she is ugly/worthless/etc.
Today she asked me, "When will this be different? Will I ever look in a mirror and think 'gee you look good today'? Will it just happen one day? Will it be gradual?" You see, she asks these questions because I have been where she is right now.
I told her, "The change is already happening. You would not be making the decisions you are making about your life if you did not think you deserved a life of not being hit/pushed/yelled at. You would not be demanding to be treated like a human being deserves to be treated." She paused when she heard this, realizing that her 'epiphany' had already started.
I write all of this to say to you, Kenzy, your epiphany has already begun. Why else would you be contemplating what your life is like and seeking meaning to what you do? Yes, you do have school. Right now, 'that' is the meaning and purpose of your life. That will end soon when you graduate. Then another purpose will arise and you will follow that.
A great Greek philosopher once said, "The unexamined life is not worth living." You are making your life meaningful because you are examining it.
Keep on, keeping on. You are an astounding young woman and I am moved by the depth of your self-reflection.
Hugs from an "East Coast Mom"
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