nothin serious

this blog is all about my life and thoughts...pretty personal but definitely not as personal as it could get. :]

Saturday, March 24, 2007

I think I've lost myself.

Dearest Reader,

writing this. It may pain some or create sorrow or maybe even scare some but it's the truth. I'm not just writing this to put thought into your heads...(not this time). This is what i think and feel right now. I think it's almost a call for help. But I'm not sure. I can't feel much anymore and sensible me or my thoughts. I see little I've lost myself. I don't feel alive or even human anymore. I do things automatically without thinking about my actions. I don't seem to care much about the consequences of my actions. I don't understand anything about life, because I haven't really been taught the reason or meaning of things. God and worshiping Him is something I really don't understand. I feel as though I used to have the knowledge but I've lost it or misplaced it. I'm scared of myself almost. It's almost like I'm lost in an unknown place just to think that I used to understand things and used to care. Emotions are difficult for me. Anger seems to be my only emotion besides "happiness." It's as if I'm starting over again, like my mind has been reborn with only the knowledge of evil and hate. I don't see myself as having a future like most people do. Most have a goal set for their lives or "see" themselves as having a family with someone. I don't "see" myself at all. It almost makes me feel as though I'm going to die young. But most wouldn't believe if I told all I felt. They may see me as a true mental. But I guess that all depends on the person. I have been told I've changed, that I've become less resepectful, rude and careless. I guess I kind of have. Life and God are both things I don't understand. Like right now I can't believe that I'm writing this. Sensible thinking is difficult for me. It almost seems as though my body is in want of attention. And to tell you the truth, I think it is in seek of attention and pain, sorrow, true happiness. But that would be pleasing the bodily mind right? Ugh. I just don't know where to go anymore. Many people say that they are there for me if I ever need to talk. But i don't think most are ready for talk like this. I don't think they could answer these questions and comments I have. It's like I'm ready to talk to a stranger rather than someone I know. I'm trapped inside this body till I die. I have no choice but to go through life. Suicide has been on my mind but I know that would just be for attention that I couldn't receive. No one will ever understand what goes through my mind. I feel spurts of my old self come through every so often and it relieves me to see that I haven't completely lost her. I'm not living in the present time anymore. And I don't understand where I am. I was going to end there but I decided not too. ha! I'm not obedient anymore and I know that is a physical and mental choice that I used to be pretty good at it. Life is something that goes by fast-day by day your life is being counted down and each day you have the choice to turn and do the correct thing; give yourself to God (that's what I've been told is the "correct" this to do). But why would you want to do that? That's one of my questions. And no body's answer will ever be good enough for me, I always think that I could just not wake up one morning. For no reason at all. Just because it was my day to leave. And I know that I would be left with thoughts and questions that were unanswered. I've been pushed into the Orthodox church...not by choice. And I'm always told it's the "right" church...but I've never been told why. And when I am told why we consider ourselves better than others, I don't want a crappy reason or one that I can't understand. I want a truthful reason. One from the heart. Because I don't consider us much "better" than anyone else. I'm not any better than a homeless drunk.

~McKenzie Robinson~