nothin serious

this blog is all about my life and thoughts...pretty personal but definitely not as personal as it could get. :]

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

um....just some stuff...yeah i'm over at sam's house right now and this goldwater guy is here and i dunno. yeah. so...lots of stuff is happening in my life and not happening. ill tell you what's happening. what's happening is kheya and i are doing a charity's fun...yeah...we are painting things to sell to get money to send to the orphange in mexico..or project mexico. i've been there before and it's pretty cool there. lots of nice things. yeah. so...that's kinda what's else. well. i've been hanging out with one of my good frends, hayley, and she's awesome...i don't kno if my mom likes her or not...i think that she just has to look at her at a teenager's view and then she would like her more. i dunno bout my dad. yeah. so..hayley and jessica aren't frends anymore and i totally understand why! omg! jessica is just jessica...i have mean ways to explain it but i'm not going to because it uses harsh words that most of you wouldn't approve of..hehe. yeah. so whatever. i'm kinda tired of putting up with jessica's shit though...oops! that one just slipped out..hehe. she is just constanly complaining to me and she is a bit** to everyone! i don't understand why tyler is still her bf..i don't get it...and no i don't need an explaination. hehe. well tyler might come to church with us. that's going to be TONS of fun! yeah! he's soooo cool! (no SAM i don't think that i'm going to beable to do horses...srry.) so there i answered that question. might beable to go shopping tomorrow!!!! yay! i'm going to have to spend like a TON of cash on all of my clothes...clothes are soooo expensive these days...and no i'm not going to where preused clothes...srry but to me that is just NASTY! hehe. yeah so this is what's not happening in my life right now. um....i actually don't kno..hahahah. yeah. well i'm going to go now! ill talk to you all later! can't wait till tomorrow!

smile, it may change someone's day.

Monday, June 19, 2006

update on my life, just for you

um...well...ok. so what have i been up to lately??? Yesterday, for Fathers day i cooked my daddy a nice big dinner. apparently it was yummy...everyone that was there enjoyed it. I made chicken wings, italian quesadillas, chocolate tapioca, and german chocolate cake....yummy! so thats what i gave my daddy for fathers day. I just spent the whole weekend doing that, cooking. Um...what else. i dunno actually. Well every thursday, i think, the Teen Soyo is having a bible study, sooo much fun. i get a lot out of it. Fr. James teaches it. It's kinda cool cuz we don't really just stay on one topic. we were talking about exersisms and baptisms and all different stuff. OH! I forgot i need to read. anyway. that's a lot of fun. he's funny and he really connects with all of us. What else have i been doing.... haha...i got a new hair product so my hair isn't fryed everytime i blow dry it and straiten it's nice and soft now. i'm in love with it again. our car his having problems cuz we haven't given it a tune up ever since we first got 2 years ago this coming year. OH!!!! I'M GOING TO BOSTON AND CAMP!!!! can't wait...i'm tellin ya sam, you need to come to camp with'll totally love it and you won't want to leave. i was the same way as you, i didn't want to go either but once i went i didn't want to leave, and now i go back every year. And it really helps you spiritually me...i go through a lot more than you because of all of my frends and life may seem great but it's I come back feeling really connected with God and then you kno life gets in the way and it fades away and then you just have to go back the next year because that feeling feels really good. and i think it would be a good thing for you to be away from all of the world and go to a complete Orthodox environment....they are such loving people there. and you could probably be in my cabin....well on to other things...this isn't an e-mail just to sam...anyway. lol. so...let me i think that's about it. just life....that's all. Well i'm gunna go now! Ill talk to you later!

Love ya!

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

I don't have much to say....

ok....well i'm really bored and nothin is goin on in my life right now, except for a few things. I'm not a happy camper lately. Well in one swift way to explain why is because i'm poor....i have no money which means i have no clothes which means i have to wear the same thing more than twice a week....sigh. this titally sucks. it's not my fault i grew. GOSH! if i'm gonna blame anybody it's gonna be my so i only have 6 shirts, i only wear 2 of them because two of them i'm not comfy in unless it's with a few things and 2 of them are wayyyy!!!! to thick for the summer. I mean thick! i only wear them during the cooler days. I'm constantly am borrowing shirts from kheya, i'm gettin really tired of that! lol. and i'm sure she is too. let me see...i only have 1 pair of jeans that i'll wear out of the house, and i have one pair of capris and 2 pairs of cut off, ugly shorts! so i don't really have any clothes...and i need some every body always needs socks except for my God she has like 100 pairs or something, she loves her socks. anyway. what else is there to complain about.....idk. well we might get rid of one of my dogs. I have this gut feeling that we aren't supposed to get rid of her...but who's gonna listen to that. personally i think she just bit them, not hard, out of fright. First of all someone was coming into our house and we weren't there. and then i'm not sure what happened the seconded time, but i have to go eat dinner now so i'll talk to ya latr!

yummy yummy pot roast!~Kenzy

Saturday, June 03, 2006

A change...

Hey everyone!
So recently i went to my Grandfather's funeral and it changed my perspective of my grandpa. He was a very loved man. I know that for sure. I guess i was the one at fault here. I was to busy looking at the bad things in him that i didn't get a chance to really know him. I regret that. There were some young girls that go to my church that would talk to him and enjoyed listening to his stories. Well one of them broke down in tears today at his funeral. She's like 5 or 6. She got to know him better than I did because she chose to listen. I went through more with him than her but I still should have given him a chance. I deeply regret that....very very much. I'm actually quite mad at myself for not doing that. Many people only knew him for a short time length. They took advantage of that and I didn't. I let it go...I know from all of the stories that they had to tell about their experiences with him, that he had a good heart, he had a good long life and i'm sure that he is glad to be home. Sure he had some problems with the whole parenting thing and the grandparent thing but he still loved us all. I looked at those who were mourning today at the funeral and I wondered I understand...I completely understand. This is the first funeral that I have actually understood and had the most problems with in my and hopefully there will be no more for a long long long long long long long time!!!!!Well that felt good to get out of my system! lol....i'll be writing later!

I LOVE YOU GUYS! and i appreciate that you read my blog and help me out with my problems..hehe.


Thursday, June 01, 2006

A grandpa I never really had

Well...You are probably wondering why I put that as my title. You have to think about it for a while after you read this, you might or might not get it...But it makes sense to me. I am the one that went through it.

Tuesday night my mothers dad, Gil, died. My mother waited anxiously by his bedside for 3 or 4 days. Actually we all waited anxiously, we were waiting for that sense of relief, the call to tell us that he had passed. I just went on with my daily life. I acted no different than I usually do. I'm going to tell you about everything that went on between me and my so called grandpa, the reason why I just went on with my normal life, the reason why I never really answered you when you asked how my grandpa was doing, the reason why I showed no emotion when he died, the reason that I keep telling my friends that I don't care.

Well the whole thing started when I was really young. Maybe around 2 or 3. My great aunt and uncle and him were visiting from out of state. I was young and I liked to fool around and be the center of attention because that was what I was used too, me being so cute and all...Just kidding. lol. Anyway. I decided that I was going to put my mom's big huge flip flops on and dance around in the middle of the living room in front of everyone...Just to be silly. Well apparently my Grandfather didn't want me to be silly, he wanted me to be the "perfect" little grandniece and sit quietly in a corner and not talk at all. So he yelled at me and pitched a fit at me in front of them....That's when I snapped, that's when this whole thing began. I used to have this against him...This used to be the thing that made me always mad at him. I got over that a few years ago. The reason why I reacted like that is because he embarrassed me...You know I don't even remember anymore. lol. That's sad.Anyway. That when the whole struggle began. He used to teach me phonics and he pretty much was the one that taught me how to read...whoopdydoo....Anyway...That's one of the very few good memories that I have of him.

So, he kinda went on doing that. Getting mad at me for stupid reasons and giving me Indian burns because he didn't want me to do something eventhough he didn't understand what I was trying to do because he would never let me explain. Never once did he let me explain myself to him....And if he did he would just snap at me right in the middle of it. He always snapped at me. He would yell at me in front of company, even large groups of company. My mom would just say, " now Dad there is no reason to yell," do you think he stopped...Nope. He put me through a lot. Now he would apologize but that was only because my mom made wasn't a true apology. He didn't feel bad for what he did. Now of course he seemed all innocent to other people. Everyone saw him as a sick man that was in a lot of pain and needed a lot of things. Well I always saw him the same...As a hateful man that pushed me away everytime I tried to be nice, EVERYTIME! I would try to read to him, I would try so hard to be nice. I would feed him or help him do things at his apartment when he didn't live with us. Everytime he would yell at me because apparently I didn't do something just perfect or I wasn't saying the word right. I would help him write letters to his relatives and he wouldn't make sense in what he was saying, so I tried to help him out. I would say that it didn't make sense and maybe he should try to word it different...NOOOO! He would scream at me over and over again. I would run to my mom crying everytime. She would go in there while I was in my room crying and tell him that he needed to apologize to me for what he did. So he would apologize and I would pretend that I forgave him. He pushed me away....He pushed, not me, him.

People see it as me that didn't care for him, didn't try to make the relationship better between us. But that's why I'm writing this, to tell those people that I tried. I tried to make it better. The last few days that he lived I didn't speak to him...I just observed him....I watched him suffer, I watched him breathing heavily, preparing for death. I don't know the last time I talk to him. People had told me and I had heard that people hold on until certain people either talk to them or something in life happens. When I sat there for a few hours I was thinking that maybe he was waiting for me...maybe he was waiting for me to talk to him, to tell him that I forgave him. I guess that I waited to long...He had to go before I got the courage to tell him that. I've told my friends that I don't care that he died. I care...Just not enough to show emotion. We weren't close in anyway. I'm kinda writing this for all of the kids in my family. We all went through this in some way. Sometimes I wish that I had gotten a chance to know what he was really like. To know some of his life stories, to hear him tell me them, not from other people. I wish that he could have been a better grandpa and I could have been a better granddaughter. That's all I have to say because if I keep writing it will become a book. lol.

I'll type to you later!