here's something from my journal...

FRIDAY-july 25th,2008 12:50pm(PA time)


So. Here i sit on the plane to "home" after spending 12 miracle days at the Antiochian Village. This is exactly how i wanted to end this journal...with peace in my heart, with God in my life, and hope inside of me for a better ending. I had one of THE best experiences at the Village this year. I truly experienced many blessings and miracles. I really am frightened to go home to the world. To a place of insecurity and pain. Don't get be wrong...I absolutely love all of my friends at "home" but they aren't the kind of persons i want to be. They have good hearts bit in the wrong setting. And it's not a wholesome place to be in life. People from camp...well its like we all have this same out reach for God To fine Him and have a good relationship with Him. I feel like were all real to ourselves and each other. I have never understood life like this. And how much of a difference having a relationship or connection with Him makes in my life. It's so amazing how at peace i am with myself. How much i want to change. I confessed and was forgiven. I truly have a clean slate with God, now i just hope it sticks for a while. I have an act of repentance to do when i get home to help make up for something i did. (that's what Fr. Joel told me to do) Leaving a place of peace, prayer, and family is one of the hardest things for me to do. Because i know i will fall again. I wish i could have spent more time in the church. That's definitely my favorite part of the village. I will never forget the connection I have with the Theotokos Icon on the ceiling of the church. It was true prayer from the heart. I wish i never had to leave just that one spot in the church. "At Thy Beauty" is the most beautiful song, it makes me remember the peace. I wish i could stay there. I only have two more years at the Village. (possibly three) but i doubt it. I cherish every minute of it. I have so many thoughts going thru my brain it's hard to figure out what to write.

At thy beauty, of thy virginity
and at the exceeding splendor
of thy purity
Gabriel stood amazed and cried out unto thee
"O Theotokos, what hymn of praise
is meet for me to sing to thee? What shall i call thee?
I hesitate and I stand in wonder
Wherefore as i was commanded
I cried unto thee
HAIL! Thou that are full of grace"

No song sounds as beautiful and peaceful as this one. I think that the singing is the most heart filled beauty at camp. Because it's real prayer. I'm not sure why i cried. why saying goodbye to all my friends wasn't too hard but saying goodbye to the church and services was. i don't understand why we can't find this in out daily lives. but we can in a summer camp. The Village is holy ground. St. Raphael of Brooklyn is buried there and i believe he is meant to be there. smelling the flowers at his grave made me believe even more. St. Artemious (? sp) is a miracle worker for God. He has helped with many injuries. I believe that every saint there was meant to be there. It's so weird how we seem to avoid God. How we fill ourselves with vanity and entertainment. we act as though we are so much more important than Him when He's the one that gave us any tiny amount of importance in the first place. we are all the same persons, just with different habits. And we really do need to break these habits. become images of God. I think the stars are the most beautiful reflection of Him. Everything on this earth is a part of Him, His beauty. Yet we over look it just as we over look Him and each other. Love is the greatest part and most important part of life. Love spreads faith. and that's really what we need. the toughest part of living for myself is living in the present moment because my brain continues in thought all the time. (i need to pray more) Every person i meet at the Village has made an impact on my heart and i have so much love inside me now. For EVERYONE. i really have nothing else to say right now.

All i know is that it's been like 6 or 7 hours away from the village and I'm already crying and missing everyone and everything.

"Lord, Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me a sinner."

<3always-
kenzy

off to a holy place

once again i'm going to camp.
to a place that revives me from the depths of the world...
and this time, i seriously need it.

i am almost scared to go. to change from the person i am to a good person...a person connected to God.
it brings tears to my throat.

i finally have to face my fears of change and do things i need and not things that i want.
i get this chance to replace my bad habits with good ones. To reconnect a connection lost...i need this.

i miss it.

i love every single one of you so dearly.
and i thank you for helping me.

peace.

Breakdown

The sun is gone and the flowers rot
Words are spaces between us
And I should have been drown in the rivers I found of token lost
And I should have been down when you made me insecure

So break me down if it makes you feel right
And hate me now if it keeps you alright
You can break me down if it takes all your might
Because I'm so much more than meets the eye

And I'm the one you can never trust
Because wounds are ways to reveal us
And yeah I could have tried and devoted my life to both of us

But what a waste of my time when the world we had was yours

So break me down if it makes you feel right (so break me down)
And hate me now if it keeps you alright (so break me down)
You can break me down if it takes all your might
Because I'm so much more than all your lies

Hate me, break me down. (so break me down)
So break me down if it makes you feel right (so break me down)
And hate me now if it keep you alright (so break me down)
So break me down if it takes all your might




i like this song.

..................

To some of your delight, i'm makin some changes in myself. Probably not all of the ones you want me to. Sorry to disappoint, but it wasn't because of you guys either. But truely the one person i can really trust in my life. He's my guardian angel. I'm not sure why him and i have this relationship with eachother but this kid is the person i feel comfortable telling absolutely everything to [[complete truth]]. and i know he really loves me. [[not like looooovveee haha were not going out]] but truely, i can feel it and he tells me. it's not the brother and sister love, its not the parental love but a TRUE friend love. and he's the only one i haven't had problems with.
I disappointed him and it hurt. I made a bad choice and things became serious to me finally. I realized that i need to break a bad habit, and i'm going to. Maybe i am two faced? but i like to believe i'm not. i wish i could say that i've never done the things i've done. but i have. o well...
life goes on right?
Maybe ill take myself seriously now? i mean if i accomplish this. I'm not sure. Not very many take me seriously because i've broken too many promises. I don't keep my word most the time unless it comes to keeping secrets because secrets are my life. I know it's not good, but it's who i am. My parents don't know even close to half the things i've done and neither do you. I'm sure that makes them feel really good, but it's not like we have any trust in eachother anyways.
So..wonderin why i really only trust ONE person in my life? me too.
maybe it's becaue he's the only person that tells me the truth all the time. he doesn't tell me that i'm really an ok person and that everyone does like me. He's always been true to me. and he's loved me from the beginning. He's the one that makes me cry because of how he treats me. i'm not sure. but he's never broken a promise.
It's not just you that i lie to. but myself mostly. I don't allow things to get to me, i don't let myself greive in any way. i hold things in...everything. i have a lot of things to say...and that's why i'm usually frustrated. i do like living this life i am living. ya whatever. i know it doesn't always work out in the end...but it's who i am and i'm not willing to change that just so you guys can be happy with who i am. if i'm happy, you should be too. it's me. too bad.
i never thought my childhood would affect me like it has. but it has...deeply. i'm not close to God and i can feel it. but right now...i need to let go of some things in my own way.
i'm sorry.

-kenzy