nothin serious

this blog is all about my life and thoughts...pretty personal but definitely not as personal as it could get. :]

Thursday, January 03, 2008

i'm sorry....

i got kinda carried away in the last post. . . . if you can't tell i've been having a really hard time lately.
stress takes over me, but at the same time. . . i become lazy.
i'm pretty tired of just sitting around.
but i'm tired of trying to make everyone happy with me and i'm tired of dealing with drama and friends.
i'm tired of people telling me that everything is going to be ok.
and i'm tired of screwing up.
i'm tired of everyone saying that people love me for me and yet i get judged for everything i do.
i'm tired of having to impress the people that don't care about me.
i'm tired of pain.
i'm tired of tears.
i'm tired of hiding everything.
and i'm tired of giving up things that i love.
i'm don't want to change my ways.
but i want to regain my faith and hope.
i don't want to fail in this life.
but i don't seem to be making much progress.
i'm tired of giving in to those who have hurt me.
but i guess that's called forgiveness?
i really want to just give things up and i really just want to be happy with my life for once.
i love this boy and he seems to be my everything right now.
but i keep getting put down for going out with him by my closest friends.
they think they know him for him....
but it's a different situation they've "learned" from.
idk. i just really hate everything that's going on right now.
and i don't seem to be getting much help through it except for a few.
i really just want to let go for a day.
and get out of the city with the ones i love most.
just kinda let free of everything.
but i can't do that.
i know i can't.
but that's what i need most right now.
i really need to get things organized in my life.
but i never seem to do it.
people keep telling me that i can do things that i don't think i've capable of doing.
i just want to cry.
i want to let my tears roll down.
but i want someone to catch them for me....
i have someone to catch them for me.
and i love that.
everything in this post just seems to be opposites conflicting...and i need to go to bed.
i have school in the morning...

but i'm broken.
and i need someone to talk to.
someone i can fully trust.
i seem to fake that a lot.
that i can trust people.
but i can't.
i have a lot of problems with that.
i'm more truthful to paper and words than i am with myself and with those around me.

i love you guys.
i'm sorry you have to read this.


Tuesday, January 01, 2008

Screwed Up

My life is pretty much shit right now.
I feel like nothing. i don't want to do anything right now but write. i'm so fucking frustrated with myself and my parents. They obviously don't trust me with just about anything right now. yeah it's my fault kinda. but i'm really fucking tired of them not understanding that i'm growing up. i understand responsibility more than they think i do. my mom is always stating that she "knows" i won't do something even if i say i will. that she knows i can't stick to something. THANKS FOR THE MOTHER FUCKING ENCOURAGEMENT! i am so frustrated with everything. apparently my phone distracts me. i haven't been txting while reading. but no. that doesn't matter. they don't think that i can grow up. whatever. i have three more years here and then this is over for the most part. I'm tired of slacking off. i'm tired of being looked down on by my parents and my friends because i procrastinate. i'm tired of not being trusted. i'm tired of not being organized. i'm tired of doing things i'm not supposed to. but i'm tired of following the rules. i'm tired of giving up. and i'm tired of my mom thinking a can't stick to something. i'm tired of failing at everything i do. i'm tired of being wrong. and i'm tired of things not working anymore. i'm done with all of this fucking shit. i really am. i'm not going to put up with anyones shit anymore. they can say whatever the fuck they want to me. i don't really give a fuck. i'm growing up even if my parents don't want me to. I'm growing up even if they have doubt that i can change my ways. I'm changing. i'm not going to follow the religious path they want me too. i've failed at that. and that's what THEY want for me. They want it. who said i did? i've strayed away from that. yeah i regret it a little. but it's hard to jump right back into it. i really hate this. i hate all my decisions. i hate having to make decisions. i hate having to think about everything that ever happens to me. i'm tired of this. i really am.
but i'm not going to just drop it. i'm not just going to end everything because that's what people expect of me. i'm going to prove them wrong. because apparently i suck at life. i suck at making the right choices. and i'm going to end up getting hurt. . . . i'm not. I don't give a fuck what you people say to me. I really fucking don't. i'm going to succeed.
my family is so messed up. everything is.
i'm done.

bitch back at me if you want.