nothin serious

this blog is all about my life and thoughts...pretty personal but definitely not as personal as it could get. :]

Monday, January 19, 2009

decisions, decisions, decisions

I'm ready for change. I'm ready for something different in my life beside the routine everyday..hey lets wake up, go to school, come home, do homework/eat dinner days. I'm tired of the regular. Something needs to be changed and I can't figure out what it is. I have a lot of decision making to do in the next two years. This year i turn 17 and it's my last year of actual childhood. that's it. after that is all over and i'm on the road to mass responsibility. Even though i've been dreaming about these days since i was little, i never knew it would be like this. And i never knew i would be scared sooo shitless like i am. I've been thinkin a lot about my highschool career lately and i feel hopeless. Like i'm not going to get anywhere with what i'm doing. My ultimate dream, ever since i was little, was to own my own dance studio and teach ballet. that's it. just ballet to the little girls and boys. Teach them how to have passion for something. I really wish I hadn't quit dance. I don't want to have to start all over again but yet i want this so badly, just to be able to be happy with what i'm doing and not quit anymore. Ever since i quit dance i've quit everything else i've done. I just can't find anything that makes me feel the way dance did. I put everything i had into it. and I was a real natural. Maybe i still am. That's something to find out. Right now being a student athletic trainer at my highschool is my life. I put all my time into it. But a lot of the time when I'm sittin on the side lines waiting for someone to get hurt..i want to be out there instead. I want to be puttin my WHOLE SELF into something just like the athletes are. And that's what i miss most about dance. There's so much passion and love and heart in dance. A true dancer puts all the have just to make it PERFECT. To bring tears to your eyes just because it's so beautiful and self filled...that's what a real dancer strives for. Hey, maybe i'm just a has been, but maybe ill come out of that. I've got too much thinking and decision making to do in such little time. I would HATE to give up something like athletic training just in general. I need things to work out...I need things to change.


Blogger s-p said...

One of the hardest lessons in life is to realize that when I quit (or did something to screw up) something I had a gift for and had a future in, I screwed up for good. Jesus said "Be faithful in the small things and greater things will be added to you." It wasn't until I had messed up a lot of small things and realized much later that they were really "big things" in the long run that I decided to do the small things (like practice, read, stick to something through the boring parts, put some effort into being excellent, doing the work instead of playing, making the hard decisions, etc.) Redemption is about finding that God has a "plan B" for you that you can fulfill and do well at if you do the right things that you didn't do before, but sometimes we have to live with the regret that we made some bad choices and our original passion will never be.
The reality is, "If we had to do it all over again..." we can't do it all over again. We live with our choices forever and sometimes the hardest decision is to leave the past behind and move on. Things can change, but only if you change, otherwise everything will work out the same as before because it is the same person doing them. Its hard stuff that everyone has to deal with sooner or later. xoxox

Tuesday, January 20, 2009 8:47:00 PM  

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