..................
To some of your delight, i'm makin some changes in myself. Probably not all of the ones you want me to. Sorry to disappoint, but it wasn't because of you guys either. But truely the one person i can really trust in my life. He's my guardian angel. I'm not sure why him and i have this relationship with eachother but this kid is the person i feel comfortable telling absolutely everything to [[complete truth]]. and i know he really loves me. [[not like looooovveee haha were not going out]] but truely, i can feel it and he tells me. it's not the brother and sister love, its not the parental love but a TRUE friend love. and he's the only one i haven't had problems with.
I disappointed him and it hurt. I made a bad choice and things became serious to me finally. I realized that i need to break a bad habit, and i'm going to. Maybe i am two faced? but i like to believe i'm not. i wish i could say that i've never done the things i've done. but i have. o well...
life goes on right?
Maybe ill take myself seriously now? i mean if i accomplish this. I'm not sure. Not very many take me seriously because i've broken too many promises. I don't keep my word most the time unless it comes to keeping secrets because secrets are my life. I know it's not good, but it's who i am. My parents don't know even close to half the things i've done and neither do you. I'm sure that makes them feel really good, but it's not like we have any trust in eachother anyways.
So..wonderin why i really only trust ONE person in my life? me too.
maybe it's becaue he's the only person that tells me the truth all the time. he doesn't tell me that i'm really an ok person and that everyone does like me. He's always been true to me. and he's loved me from the beginning. He's the one that makes me cry because of how he treats me. i'm not sure. but he's never broken a promise.
It's not just you that i lie to. but myself mostly. I don't allow things to get to me, i don't let myself greive in any way. i hold things in...everything. i have a lot of things to say...and that's why i'm usually frustrated. i do like living this life i am living. ya whatever. i know it doesn't always work out in the end...but it's who i am and i'm not willing to change that just so you guys can be happy with who i am. if i'm happy, you should be too. it's me. too bad.
i never thought my childhood would affect me like it has. but it has...deeply. i'm not close to God and i can feel it. but right now...i need to let go of some things in my own way.
i'm sorry.
-kenzy
posted by Kenzy @ 10:20:00 PM
2 Comments:
Actually lying to parents and friends etc. isn't nearly as bad as lying to yourself. Usually other people don't believe the lies, they can tell. But if you believe your own lies, who can confront you with truth? You might hurt other people with lies, but if you are hurting yourself, then you bring that damaged, false self into every relationship and there is no "real love" or "real friendship", because YOU are false. That is far more dangerous.
You don't change to make other people happy, you change because you are not real. If you are not real then any happiness is not true, it is an illusion. People settle for "feeling good" or having a good time instead of being truly happy, and unfortunately you can't string enough good times together in life to make yourself feel happy all the time. The lie catches up, the false self is always in the mirror, the good times eventually end up in despair and trouble. Letting go of stuff is what the spiritual life is all about. Its not easy, even after 55 years. There's always another lie to believe, and always more truth to face, and always something to quit and something to start or do better. Its life. Its frustrating. No one thinks you should be perfect, just engaged in the process.
God bless your effort to break whatever this bad habit is. I am glad that you have a close true friend. I hope that if he disappoints you some day, that you won't give up on your friendship, just like he didn't give up on you. Because we all disappoint each other.
Love,
Mom
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