on my roof

I'm sitting on my roof, my thinking spot.
I'm pretty lost right now because i've had a lot going on lately.
I'm stuck in the middle of things.
and I'm just giving up on other things.
I pretty much just don't want to believe i can get out of this hole.
All i do is dig really big holes for myself and just sit in them wishing i could get out even though there's a ladder sitting right next to me.
That's what i do.
That's the type of person i am.
There's a lot bout me that i need to change and a lot about me that i have yet to figure out.
It's weird how much getting fucked over by another person can have an impact on you and your decisions.
But i know i can change that.
I know that i have the capability to change the type of person i am.
But do i want to?
or do i just want to try to be accepted by other people?
or is it me that isn't accepting them?
is it my problems that are doing this?
or maybe its just who i am..
i wish i could know those parts of me that i don't understand or know yet.
maybe that would help me figure all of this out.
to come clean with myself.
I'm starving, but i'm not hungry.
I'm not strong, but i'm not weak.
I'm not everything, but i'm not nothing.
that's what i feel like.
There is so much in front of my face that i can't seem to grasp.
Everything up here is so clear.
There aren't any distractions.
it's just me.
and the sky.
endless sky.
just like my thoughts.
completely endless.
maybe they will end someday.
but before that day..i hope all my questions are answered.

Forgotten

I went to downtown Phoenix with my brother to look at a couple houses for him to move into. As we drove through, the area got pretty disastrous and just worn down. There was motel after motel. Motels that were for one night stands; meant to be used for wrong things. Sad people lived in them and stood around them looking suspicious and in need of some godly help that no human being is capable of. As we drove on and passed dysfunctional persons and the homeless we got into the high rises where business men and women work and drive their high class cars. But the looks on their faces seemed just the same as the homeless and broken. They were unhappy, discontent with what they have. They weren't aware of their surroundings but stuck inside their own box just seeing the world through a tiny hole. We continued to drive through and Jesse explained some of the buildings n such. We finally go to the outside of the high rises where everything had been forgotten about. But not just the buildings looked forgotten about but the people. It was it's own separate community. Highly dangerous and just..not cared for or loved. People looked like they were missing something. Just like their houses....just missing some caring for. Jesse decided that it would be best if he didn't live there. But as we drove back it was time that the sun burn its surroundings with it's rays and the windows of the high rises reflect the orange color out over the forgotten city. And even though there was beauty before all their eyes no one remembered it, because they had been forgotten.

no subject.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.


yup.
that's about it.

this is what i do when i stay up late...

Tuesday, January 20, 2009
11:32pm

A lot of the times I stay up late, like now, and I think way too much for my own good. Sleepless nights are common for me, but so are not going to school days. Being a fan of school has never been on my “To Do” list. Learning about chemical bonds and Spanish infinitives don’t catch my eye like a good day of sleep and eating. Dancing around in the kitchen and laughing my head off at silly childish cartoons is all in a good day’s work for me. I stay awake late at night pondering the different things I could be doing with my life. The things that I could have done differently haunt me; and picking the outfit I should wear tomorrow to school flashes through my mind during it all. My endless thoughts never don’t come in abundance. Everyday seems the same; each day the same thoughts roll through my brain and I think of them in the same manner each time.
As the time ticks and the hour strikes midnight I realize I still have another day of my tiring life ahead of me and I get to do this all over again. I become “enthused” and just keep laying here staring off into a white ceiling and a dusty fan. I listen to the “soundtrack of my life” just as if I was the star of a movie and act as though each song talks about my experiences and me. Importance is thrown upon me and suddenly I feel like I have a meaning in a world of no real meaning. All I actually long for during my thinking is to experience an epiphany. The Beatles come singing through my computer and I feel as though they sing my thoughts out to me and my life becomes more complicated as I have to interpret it like a poem that has meaning that you have to decide.
Maybe thinking should become an occupation; “GET PAID BY THE THOUGHT!”…an ideal job for me. I’d swim in my money and become a selfish wannabe with no life and nothing to do with all my money but sleep on it. But I wouldn’t actually sleep on it because I can’t sleep. I would lay on my money thinking about how I can make more money just by thinking. Now that I think about this “ideal job for me” I’m not really a fan of it.

I’ll continue this mess of nothing later.
I have school..
A life.
And
Nothing good to do with it all.
Tomorrow.
-Kenzy

decisions, decisions, decisions

I'm ready for change. I'm ready for something different in my life beside the routine everyday..hey lets wake up, go to school, come home, do homework/eat dinner days. I'm tired of the regular. Something needs to be changed and I can't figure out what it is. I have a lot of decision making to do in the next two years. This year i turn 17 and it's my last year of actual childhood. that's it. after that is all over and i'm on the road to mass responsibility. Even though i've been dreaming about these days since i was little, i never knew it would be like this. And i never knew i would be scared sooo shitless like i am. I've been thinkin a lot about my highschool career lately and i feel hopeless. Like i'm not going to get anywhere with what i'm doing. My ultimate dream, ever since i was little, was to own my own dance studio and teach ballet. that's it. just ballet to the little girls and boys. Teach them how to have passion for something. I really wish I hadn't quit dance. I don't want to have to start all over again but yet i want this so badly, just to be able to be happy with what i'm doing and not quit anymore. Ever since i quit dance i've quit everything else i've done. I just can't find anything that makes me feel the way dance did. I put everything i had into it. and I was a real natural. Maybe i still am. That's something to find out. Right now being a student athletic trainer at my highschool is my life. I put all my time into it. But a lot of the time when I'm sittin on the side lines waiting for someone to get hurt..i want to be out there instead. I want to be puttin my WHOLE SELF into something just like the athletes are. And that's what i miss most about dance. There's so much passion and love and heart in dance. A true dancer puts all the have just to make it PERFECT. To bring tears to your eyes just because it's so beautiful and self filled...that's what a real dancer strives for. Hey, maybe i'm just a has been, but maybe ill come out of that. I've got too much thinking and decision making to do in such little time. I would HATE to give up something like athletic training just in general. I need things to work out...I need things to change.

keep walking by

I think about who I am a lot. I wonder about if I really am just like everyone else out there or maybe there's something different about me. I think about why I have these weird habits and why I think the way I do. Most of the time I am thinking about the flaws of myself and how much in common me and humanity have with each other. I've decided that I want to grow out of that; of the things that WE have in common with each other. It makes me sad to think that I do everything that everyone else does in this world. We all make stupid decisions to cheat, steal, judge, hate, break, throw lie...etc. We all like t.v., internet, talking about ourselves[[perfect example eh?]], listening to music; just taking ourselves away from reality. But then I realized that each of us is striving for the same exact thing but in different weird ways. The whole of the population strives to feel wholesome, complete, loved, at peace, calm, together. We all are looking for God even though we don't know it. And the craziest part of it all is that each of us looks straight passed Him every single second of our lives.

Happy Birthday to me?..

So...I turned sixteen and it sucks even more than fifteen. woo. I'm still the same crappy person and I'm still stuck with all my mistakes. I still have a lot more learning to do but I've learned a lot more than most sixteen year olds so far. I guess that can either be looked at as a good thing or a bad thing depends on who you are. But i hope i don't get treated like I'm five just cuz i got older...tends to happen a lot these days...I won't be gettin my license for a really long time [[constantly reminded of that]]. Don't blame them. It's not that i suck at driving but i suck at decision making. I learn from my mistakes...sometimes. I don't make the right choices i make the wrong ones then "learn" from them. It's just the kinda person i am. I can change that..but i want to experience everything for my own. I like living my life this way..it's weird. I've chosen to stop some of the things i've been doing for the better. It doesn't make me feel good and it really isn't helping my school work/my future. I've chosen to not care what my friends think about my choice. People tell me to get new friends because maybe these friends don't make the best choices..but they don't know the hell i've been through to have these good of friends. My friends are different. I mean we love eachother as like brothers and sisters. haha. i just tell people.."everyone has their faults...and this is theirs'" and that's usually when the conversation ends.
I'm kinda tired of other people's opinions about my life.