...hmph
im not sure how to explain my thoughts or exactly what i am thinking.
but trying to find forgiveness within me is difficult, and i know you can understand why.
i have a damn good reason for it.
i want to forgive him and trust him again.
lately,
i've been wanting things to just happen themselves without putting work into making them happen.
i want things to go back to the way they were when things were happy and peaceful.
maybe this will make us stronger?
maybe our relationship will grow?
but i know it won't go back to exactly how it was.
i know there will be a cautious part in my heart for a long time...
eventually the distrust will subside.
i hope.
i don't want to end up holding a grudge against someone i love so dearly.
nothing would ever become at peace.
some people say we are just teenagers who think we are in love, but we don't really know what love is. i know they think that it's something that might just last for a while but eventually we will go our separate ways...
i know it's common for someone to say that this really is love, but a feeling in my heart tells me it is. and it's not just me who thinks so. after this weekend we realized how much we really do love each other. and that it's not just a normal boyfriend-girlfriend relationship...it's not just a romance. we are the BEST of friends. we talk about everything that is on our minds.
we can't really picture ourselves ending up with anyone else. and we think that same way about everything.
we don't get into arguments, but we get into discussions and a few disagreements that turn into laughs later on.
i give people second chances...sometimes more than just a second.
some people don't think that's the right thing to do; i need to protect myself...
God gives us a second chance doesn't He?
why can't i?
it's going to be the most difficult second chance i've ever given anyone.
but i pray that it's worth it.
posted by Kenzy @ 12:30:00 AM
2 Comments:
"Love is patient, love is kind, and is not jealous, love does not brag, and is not arrogant; love does not act unbecomingly, it does not seek to satisfy itself, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, it does not rejoice in unrighteousness but rejoices in truth, love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails..." (I Cor. 13:4-8) You'd probably say "In a perfect world with perfect people you could do this..." But there was a perfect world with perfect people and they didn't. Love is a struggle and damn hard work. Love has to survive not feeling loving. Love has to endure when people are unlovely and you hate them (or what they've done). Love has to survive when the other person has proven they loved themselves more than they loved you. If you only love because you feel good, you only feel good and that is selfish "passion", not love. Love and forgiveness cost God His life. As hard as it is, a second chance is the easiest chance to give and also the one we should give with the most caution because we are opening ourselves to a third chance. The third and more get harder, but by then we we just have decisions to make, caution is not the issue. Is a second chance worth it? You'll never know unless you give it. If he loves you, he'll endure your suspicion, doubt, fear and holding back because he created it. Its not punishment, it is a broken heart and human beings don't heal anything in a day. He was stupid. You MIGHT be being stupid for loving someone who was stupid. But then the issue is, will he continue to be stupid or not. You have to be willing to take the chance of getting broken again to find out. That's the hard part. A best friend is worth a struggle. But a best friend doesn't continually bring struggle to the relationship because love doesn't do that. Unfortunately, the only way to learn these things is the hard way. Love is hard. The hardest thing we do.
I think everything you're feeling is perfectly natural, even wanting it to be easy, to just sit there and wait for it all to go away and for things to be back to "normal". But you're right that it will take a long time to work this all out and to see if you can trust him again. It will call for more suffering and disquietude, honesty, risk and patience on both your parts.
Actually, all of our sufferings, whether physical, emotional, or relational, whether from our own sin or someone else's sin against us, give us a chance to learn more about and to experience first hand the Lord's love for us. (Just like you said: He gives us a second chance, and a third, and a fourth, and....this is how much He wants to be with us) Hopefully our sufferings help to draw us to look to Him, to trust Him to be our very best and most true friend. This is why He allows it. The pain is for our benefit. He can heal us from our self-centeredness and lead us to really love people and not use them. And then, we will be able to be a true friend to another person.
Dad wrote the description of what love is. This is also the description of God, for the scriptures also say that "God is love."
We hurt when you hurt.
Love,
Mom
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