up late. eating PEZ
i'm so angry.
i'm so stressed.
i'm so worn out.
i don't even have words to use to vent my anger right now. i don't understand why i have it. or how to get rid of it or how it even came about.
i'm not getting any sleep.
i'm tired of not getting any sleep.
i'm tired of not being a happy person during these days.
i don't want to care anymore. i don't want to see the sadness in other people i love anymore. i don't want to feel these things anymore. i want to do things to anger them. i want to fight silently against them and make them not trust me and make them give up on me. i don't want to be the only angry one here. i want to keep feeding the addictions i have that they hate.
i know the answer to my problems. but i don't want it. i don't want to have that relationship right now. cuz i'm don't want to keep disappointing Him anymore. even though that not having this relationship will just sadden Him too. i don't know what to fucking do. i know so much that i don't want to know. i want to be a dumb person in this world who can't understand those pains around me. who can't be such a caring person. i don't want to have a heart anymore. i want to just let these things go. i can't even put my anger into words anymore. i can't let the people around me that love me and trust me down. i can't leave them. i can't cause them that pain because i've been left too.
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
i hate being this self centered. i hate living this life i do. i hate this. i HATE it. i've never felt this kind of hate before. but now i understand it. i understand both hate and love. i do believe that they exist.
WHY.
why do i have to live this retarded life?
why do i feel the way i do.
why am i angry about stupid shit.
why am i the person i am.
why do i have to keep asking these questions that i never get answers to.
why.......
fuckkkkkk......
fjda;ljfg;leiajf;lkja';kfoiweqojl;kvndas;jljc;lak.....
so angry.
it's 2:00 am. i have to wake up in 3 hours and 40 mins.
but i can't seem to sleep.
i couldn't last night.
and i can't tonight.
i couldnt the night before.
and once again. i'm just sitting here.
my head hurts.
my shoulders hurt.
my back hurts.
my body aches.
and my heart hurts.
i need to let this anger go.
i need to find out why i am so angry, why i want them to not trust me anymore, why would i want to break the trust that i have sorta regained again?
i need some serious help.
posted by Kenzy @ 1:55:00 AM
1 Comments:
For what it is worth...I was told this many years ago during my own counseling...
...anger is the 'second' emotion we feel. There is always a 'first' emotion that quickly gets covered by the 'second'. So the job is to try and figure out what the 'first' feeling was in order to deal with it.
To do this sometimes I will picture the situation in which I felt deep anger. Then I try to figure out what actions occurred before I got angry. Usually the actions (done by myself or someone else) help me see what emotion I first felt. Often it was the feeling of being hurt. Sometimes it was other feelings.
You are right, hate and love do both exist. They are not opposites. The opposite of love is the lack of any feeling towards the person/object/whatever. The "I just don't care" kind of thing. If we hate something, we have some emotional tie to it. Why else hate it?
"He" understands the disappointment. The good thing is "He" never turns His back. He is always ready and waiting for us to take one step because He's ready to race to grab us in His arms.
Hang in there Kenzy. You are asking a lot of really good questions and working out some tough stuff. Keep walking. One step at a time. (I hate that clique but it works.)
Hugs from a Mom on the East Coast.
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