i'm sorry....
i got kinda carried away in the last post. . . . if you can't tell i've been having a really hard time lately.
stress takes over me, but at the same time. . . i become lazy.
i'm pretty tired of just sitting around.
but i'm tired of trying to make everyone happy with me and i'm tired of dealing with drama and friends.
i'm tired of people telling me that everything is going to be ok.
and i'm tired of screwing up.
i'm tired of everyone saying that people love me for me and yet i get judged for everything i do.
i'm tired of having to impress the people that don't care about me.
i'm tired of pain.
i'm tired of tears.
i'm tired of hiding everything.
and i'm tired of giving up things that i love.
i'm don't want to change my ways.
but i want to regain my faith and hope.
i don't want to fail in this life.
but i don't seem to be making much progress.
i'm tired of giving in to those who have hurt me.
but i guess that's called forgiveness?
i really want to just give things up and i really just want to be happy with my life for once.
i love this boy and he seems to be my everything right now.
but i keep getting put down for going out with him by my closest friends.
they think they know him for him....
but it's a different situation they've "learned" from.
idk. i just really hate everything that's going on right now.
and i don't seem to be getting much help through it except for a few.
i really just want to let go for a day.
and get out of the city with the ones i love most.
just kinda let free of everything.
but i can't do that.
i know i can't.
but that's what i need most right now.
i really need to get things organized in my life.
but i never seem to do it.
people keep telling me that i can do things that i don't think i've capable of doing.
i just want to cry.
i want to let my tears roll down.
but i want someone to catch them for me....
i have someone to catch them for me.
and i love that.
idk.
everything in this post just seems to be opposites conflicting...and i need to go to bed.
i have school in the morning...
but i'm broken.
and i need someone to talk to.
someone i can fully trust.
i seem to fake that a lot.
that i can trust people.
but i can't.
i have a lot of problems with that.
i'm more truthful to paper and words than i am with myself and with those around me.
........
i love you guys.
i'm sorry you have to read this.
<3
kenzy
posted by Kenzy @ 11:12:00 PM
2 Comments:
kenzy-
sometimes when i'm reading your posts especaily this one. i think i could be that someone to catch your tears. or pull you up when you fall. then i turn the corner to find that i can't do that because we are to different we see the world differently, we see parents differently, etc.
these sentences you wrote in this post i found interesting "i'm tired of giving up things that i love.
i don't want to change my ways.
but i want to regain my faith and hope." in order for you to get something or want something you need to first let something go. "live free" "don't take yourself toooooooo serious all the time" if your felling bad or upset talk to someone you haven't talked to on this subject. i love you.
Hi Kenzy,
I can really relate to all the opposites conflicting. That happens to me all the time! I think it happens to most people who think. Gah!!! Interesting to me is that St. Paul struggled with this very thing, as he wrote in Romans chapters 7 & 8: "For that which I am doing, I do not understand, for I am not practicing what I would like to do, but I am doing the very thing I hate....For I joyfully concur with the law of God in the inner man, but I see a different law in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind, and making me a prisoner of the law of sin which is in my members. Wretched man that I am! Who will set me free from the body of this death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, on the one hand I myself with my mind am serving the law of God, but on the other, with my flesh the law of sin. There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, for the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus has set you free from the law of sin and of death." So, if the apostle struggled so much within himself, we're in good company. And the answer, whether we desire it or not, is Who?
Love, Mom
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