here's something from my journal...
FRIDAY-july 25th,2008 12:50pm(PA time)
So. Here i sit on the plane to "home" after spending 12 miracle days at the Antiochian Village. This is exactly how i wanted to end this journal...with peace in my heart, with God in my life, and hope inside of me for a better ending. I had one of THE best experiences at the Village this year. I truly experienced many blessings and miracles. I really am frightened to go home to the world. To a place of insecurity and pain. Don't get be wrong...I absolutely love all of my friends at "home" but they aren't the kind of persons i want to be. They have good hearts bit in the wrong setting. And it's not a wholesome place to be in life. People from camp...well its like we all have this same out reach for God To fine Him and have a good relationship with Him. I feel like were all real to ourselves and each other. I have never understood life like this. And how much of a difference having a relationship or connection with Him makes in my life. It's so amazing how at peace i am with myself. How much i want to change. I confessed and was forgiven. I truly have a clean slate with God, now i just hope it sticks for a while. I have an act of repentance to do when i get home to help make up for something i did. (that's what Fr. Joel told me to do) Leaving a place of peace, prayer, and family is one of the hardest things for me to do. Because i know i will fall again. I wish i could have spent more time in the church. That's definitely my favorite part of the village. I will never forget the connection I have with the Theotokos Icon on the ceiling of the church. It was true prayer from the heart. I wish i never had to leave just that one spot in the church. "At Thy Beauty" is the most beautiful song, it makes me remember the peace. I wish i could stay there. I only have two more years at the Village. (possibly three) but i doubt it. I cherish every minute of it. I have so many thoughts going thru my brain it's hard to figure out what to write.
At thy beauty, of thy virginity
and at the exceeding splendor
of thy purity
Gabriel stood amazed and cried out unto thee
"O Theotokos, what hymn of praise
is meet for me to sing to thee? What shall i call thee?
I hesitate and I stand in wonder
Wherefore as i was commanded
I cried unto thee
HAIL! Thou that are full of grace"
and at the exceeding splendor
of thy purity
Gabriel stood amazed and cried out unto thee
"O Theotokos, what hymn of praise
is meet for me to sing to thee? What shall i call thee?
I hesitate and I stand in wonder
Wherefore as i was commanded
I cried unto thee
HAIL! Thou that are full of grace"
No song sounds as beautiful and peaceful as this one. I think that the singing is the most heart filled beauty at camp. Because it's real prayer. I'm not sure why i cried. why saying goodbye to all my friends wasn't too hard but saying goodbye to the church and services was. i don't understand why we can't find this in out daily lives. but we can in a summer camp. The Village is holy ground. St. Raphael of Brooklyn is buried there and i believe he is meant to be there. smelling the flowers at his grave made me believe even more. St. Artemious (? sp) is a miracle worker for God. He has helped with many injuries. I believe that every saint there was meant to be there. It's so weird how we seem to avoid God. How we fill ourselves with vanity and entertainment. we act as though we are so much more important than Him when He's the one that gave us any tiny amount of importance in the first place. we are all the same persons, just with different habits. And we really do need to break these habits. become images of God. I think the stars are the most beautiful reflection of Him. Everything on this earth is a part of Him, His beauty. Yet we over look it just as we over look Him and each other. Love is the greatest part and most important part of life. Love spreads faith. and that's really what we need. the toughest part of living for myself is living in the present moment because my brain continues in thought all the time. (i need to pray more) Every person i meet at the Village has made an impact on my heart and i have so much love inside me now. For EVERYONE. i really have nothing else to say right now.
All i know is that it's been like 6 or 7 hours away from the village and I'm already crying and missing everyone and everything.
"Lord, Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me a sinner."
<3always-
kenzy
All i know is that it's been like 6 or 7 hours away from the village and I'm already crying and missing everyone and everything.
"Lord, Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me a sinner."
<3always-
kenzy
posted by Kenzy @ 11:43:00 PM
3 Comments:
Oh, Sweetheart,
I thank God.
Even though you aren't surrounded with tons of people who have the same mind that you do like you were at camp, it is possible to find that same very deep fellowship with another person here at home. The Lord has given that to me and I am so grateful. Ask Him.
But even better than that is finding a measure of true fellowship with Him, which for me has come over time through asking Him to show me my sin, asking Him to teach me to repent and to give me tears of sorrow for my sin, and engaging in frequent Confession. It took awhile for Him to begin to show me my sin (or for me to be ready to receive it, maybe), and He hasn't ever forced too much on me at once.
He is so faithful and good and kind.
Yes, you will fall, you will have your ups and downs. "I get knocked down, but I get up again..." (I love that silly song!) Ask Him to help you find a spiritual father, or I bet you can find a way to communicate with Fr. Joel on a regular basis. Where there's a will, there's a way, they say.
And of course, thank God that you and your buddies can e-mail and talk on the phone. Yay!
Loves,
Mom
I think that is my favorite hymn, maybe second to "O Lord of Hosts, be with us for we have none other help, none other help in times of trouble save Thee, O Lord of Hosts have mercy on us." during Lent.
The Village just brought out of you what is in you but covered over with the world. You are new now..., stay in joy, stay in love, look to the Theotokos, find friends who care about your beauty within. Life is hard, love is worth the effort.
ILYM,
dad
Ok. Biggest brother weighing in here. Don't forget your friends who aren't "Villagers." They're as much children of God, in His image, and worthy of your time as anyone else. They can even teach you about life and love in ways villagers are unable.
And, remember this. The Village is as much a part of the world as Mountain View or Mesa, AZ. Same rain, same sun. SSDD. Transfigure. Transfigure. Transfigure.
Post a Comment
Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]
<< Home