I think I've lost myself.
Dearest Reader,
writing this. It may pain some or create sorrow or maybe even scare some but it's the truth. I'm not just writing this to put thought into your heads...(not this time). This is what i think and feel right now. I think it's almost a call for help. But I'm not sure. I can't feel much anymore and sensible me or my thoughts. I see little I've lost myself. I don't feel alive or even human anymore. I do things automatically without thinking about my actions. I don't seem to care much about the consequences of my actions. I don't understand anything about life, because I haven't really been taught the reason or meaning of things. God and worshiping Him is something I really don't understand. I feel as though I used to have the knowledge but I've lost it or misplaced it. I'm scared of myself almost. It's almost like I'm lost in an unknown place just to think that I used to understand things and used to care. Emotions are difficult for me. Anger seems to be my only emotion besides "happiness." It's as if I'm starting over again, like my mind has been reborn with only the knowledge of evil and hate. I don't see myself as having a future like most people do. Most have a goal set for their lives or "see" themselves as having a family with someone. I don't "see" myself at all. It almost makes me feel as though I'm going to die young. But most wouldn't believe if I told all I felt. They may see me as a true mental. But I guess that all depends on the person. I have been told I've changed, that I've become less resepectful, rude and careless. I guess I kind of have. Life and God are both things I don't understand. Like right now I can't believe that I'm writing this. Sensible thinking is difficult for me. It almost seems as though my body is in want of attention. And to tell you the truth, I think it is in seek of attention and pain, sorrow, true happiness. But that would be pleasing the bodily mind right? Ugh. I just don't know where to go anymore. Many people say that they are there for me if I ever need to talk. But i don't think most are ready for talk like this. I don't think they could answer these questions and comments I have. It's like I'm ready to talk to a stranger rather than someone I know. I'm trapped inside this body till I die. I have no choice but to go through life. Suicide has been on my mind but I know that would just be for attention that I couldn't receive. No one will ever understand what goes through my mind. I feel spurts of my old self come through every so often and it relieves me to see that I haven't completely lost her. I'm not living in the present time anymore. And I don't understand where I am. I was going to end there but I decided not too. ha! I'm not obedient anymore and I know that is a physical and mental choice that I used to be pretty good at it. Life is something that goes by fast-day by day your life is being counted down and each day you have the choice to turn and do the correct thing; give yourself to God (that's what I've been told is the "correct" this to do). But why would you want to do that? That's one of my questions. And no body's answer will ever be good enough for me, I always think that I could just not wake up one morning. For no reason at all. Just because it was my day to leave. And I know that I would be left with thoughts and questions that were unanswered. I've been pushed into the Orthodox church...not by choice. And I'm always told it's the "right" church...but I've never been told why. And when I am told why we consider ourselves better than others, I don't want a crappy reason or one that I can't understand. I want a truthful reason. One from the heart. Because I don't consider us much "better" than anyone else. I'm not any better than a homeless drunk.
~McKenzie Robinson~
posted by Kenzy @ 9:51:00 PM
4 Comments:
this is what i was trying to tell u the other day. u have changed. and not for the better. u have become less respectful; of urself and of others. i am not saying this to be mean or nething. i am just really happy that u r realizing this. u wud have never disrespected ur mom like u have been lately. i know that u r better than this. and i kno how u said ppl say that they r there for u to tlk to, and that u think they wont be able to handle what u have to say. and i am one of those ppl that have told u that. and u may think that cuz i am me that i wont be able to handle it, or that i wont be able to help u through anything. but what u dont realize is that i can handle it.i will be there for u. i want to be there for u. if u tlk to me...like really tlk to me...and dont blow me off, cuz i have tried to get u to tlk to me before, u wud realize that i am here, and i will listen. it seems like u dont see that i am here for u. i am. and i always will be. u r my best friend. and i love u! :) just know that.
My Dear Daughter,
Thank you for sharing this with me. It's hard to answer deep, personal questions like you have as a comment on a blog.!!
I guess I can just start the answers and then we can talk about stuff more completely.
One thing is, you are at the age of questioning. Adolescence is the time when people look for themselves. Yes, you were thrust into the Orthodox church by no choice of your own. You were also thrust into a family with siblings who came and went a lot, with a picky and critical grandfather who came to live with you, with a mom who isn't good at keeping her house in order, with a dad who spends most of his time working for money or working for God and the church.
And you were pushed into parish situations that were difficult for the whole family. Lots of stuff was forced on you. I'm sure you can think of more. :-)
I know what you mean about talking to a stranger...I think it's more appealing because they don't have an agenda for you. You can just be honest and not worry about any consequences in the relationship because there won't be any.
Unless, of course, you are talking to a psychopath! Hmmm....
I'm so dang sleepy, I have to stop...more later.
Love,
Mom
I came across your blog some time ago via your father's. Hope you don't mind my commenting.
I just turned 37, and am just now starting to think I may have a future of some sort. I always assumed that I'd get to be about the age I am now, at the most, and kick the bucket. I still deal almost constantly with that empty feeling; like you said, not as though you're living in the moment, but like you're not in time or space. You aren't crazy; you're way more normal than you think.
It took me a long time to realize that my self-image problems were not that I couldn't see myself; it was that my vision was so focused on myself in an idealized way that I couldn't see anything else. I wasn't shocked out of that until I went to college, and met so many people that didn't hold to my "ideals" at all, but seemed so much more normal than I was. That included ideas about God. One of the things I came to understand that helped me more in that area than anything else, was that, when I don't "feel" God, and don't get Him, that doesn't mean He doesn't care for me. That it is actually Him teaching me that I'm not enough for me, just like when a parent disciplines a child by sending them away.
I've come to be thankful for the things in my life that I had no choice over, including church, and other physical circumstances. It harder to be thankful for the present than the past, but God is in control of now, too, and, platitude that it is, all we have is this moment God is giving us, and, if our prayer "give us this day our daily bread" is answered, perhaps the next moment as well. If you are going to hope or despair, do so about the moment you're in.
Apathy, on the other hand, is harder. But, since you feel so strongly about your current state, I don't think you are there. It's much farther to hope from apathy than despair. Despair recognizes that things matter.
I look forward to seeing how you grow. My kids start not much younger than you are now, and they aren't having any choice about Orthodoxy either (although I am a convert, being received into the Church this coming Holy Saturday). Hope I have said something helpful.
Hi Kenz,
Like Ken said, you're more "normal" than you think, except that maybe a lot of people would rather watch TV or turn on their iPod than listen to what their heart is telling them because it is painful to face our humanity. It is a constant battle to "keep ourselves" and a greater battle to "find ourselves" when we've lost track of who we really are. Like all things in creation, our hearts and minds and selves break down and fall apart without constant maintenance and attention. A big problem often starts as a very small noise, but if we don't pay attention to it we end up with a major breakdown. Our hearts often tell us when we are breaking down and we have to do some fixing. The problem is, it is work and it isn't often pleasant and it often requires us to do things that we just don't feel like doing, and it costs us sometimes relationships, fun, and more pleasant activities we'd rather be doing. The "bottom line of life" is we really only have two choices, to give ourselves to God or give ourselves to the world and both end up in pain sometimes. The reality is that at least the Orthodox Church teaches it is painful to be a Christian and live for God sometimes because we are in a spiritual warfare for our hearts and for relationships and for true authentic love, not just "romance". It is easy to "fall in love", it is hard to "BE in love" because that requires that we get out of ourselves and sacrifice our wants and desires for the good of other people. The "Passion Gospel" readings show what Love really is, even for Judas who didn't listen to his small noise when he could have fixed things in himself and ended up that not even the love of God changed him. That is scary. I've often thought of how cool it would be to "just not wake up" some morning too. But like St. Paul says, "I desire to depart and be with Christ, for me to live is Christ, but to die is gain, but for your sake I stay". Death can be an escape from the war, or we can be killed in the war and go when we are supposed to go when God decides. It is hard to be patient sometimes, but there is a lot of life that is worth sticking around for.
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